A letter to 226 pounds

Dear well-meaning woman at the DMV,

It all started so well last Friday morning. You called my number and I hoisted my six-month-old baby boy on my hip while balancing a purse and a coffee mug so clumsily. I just knew we should've brought the stroller in with us, but we didn't. You see, my husband Eric and I came together to renew our Idaho driver's licenses together, as they expired on the same day, and we figured one of us could hold Arlo while the other filled out paperwork and got a new photo, but, sigh, we were wrong.

Eight years ago we had just moved to Boise from Minneapolis. We'd left little two-year-old Lucy at my mom's house where we were living in her front driveway in her camp trailer while searching for a new home. It was our sixth wedding anniversary and a hot summer day; my hair was shorter and less silver. I was wearing a cute striped tank top I'd got for a screamin' deal at Old Navy. My license photo was, dare I say, cute. And after pouring over the Idaho drivers manual the night before, I'd just passed the written exam. Whew.

This morning Eric and I stared down at these old licenses we were about to surrender to you with delightful nostalgia. Look at these young kids, we said. So much life lived since then - different jobs, many more babies, a new home.

Not only did we look different - younger - I also looked back at this 30 year old girl with fondness. She was about to get so much stronger than she ever imagined. Which is why, dear lady, when you asked if all the info on my drivers license was the same, I laughed.  Everything is different, I thought. But I said, No, my address is no longer my mother's driveway. It's a house, an important sanctuary I call home. Done, you said. Easy enough. Anything else?

Yes, my hair is no longer brown, obviously, I laughed. Looking at my side-swept silver locks with bright red highlights and back to the wee baby in my arms you seemed confused. Well, what are my other options? I asked. Sandy, red, white, gray......

Gray. My choice.

You eyed my conspicuously. Ummmmmm, okay. Anything else?

Yes. I have not weighed 140 pounds since I first got this license when I was 16 years old. I now weigh 226. No one has ever changed it. I'd like to change it.

You furrowed your brow and would not look up at me. I knew all these proclamations made you uncomfortable and I know you were trying to help, really. No, no, we can just put, how about, 180?

200? I countered.

You changed the subject to sweet Arlo and suggested I hold him down low, at my waist, so his head wouldn't be in the photo. I got to see the image on the screen, not a cute girl anymore, but a wise woman, nearly forty, with a double-chin. You filled out my paperwork for me, as my jiggling arms were full of motherhood and confusion and you cooed.

I didn't have the energy to fight the fight this time. Your 'helpfulness' (lying about my weight) did not really help me, though. In fact, it made me feel bad and shameful when I'm really proud and happy to now weigh 226 pounds.

Twenty-two years ago that 16 year old girl would've never seen this day coming. But she'd be so proud of the big mama I've become. So, eight years from now in 2022 when I renew my driver's license again, maybe you'll listen to me. Maybe I'll speak louder, stronger and demand the 226.

Sincerely,
Amy

THRIFTY: 6 lbs of Gummy Bears

A few months ago we happened upon a gigantic 6 pound bag of gummy bears at our local Costco. We laughed about it because it's Dr. Brown's most favorite candy, but it was only about $8, which was really a steal when I started thinking about it. So, much to his surprise, I tossed it in our cart.

 

I knew, however, that if I didn't do something smart and creative and snacks-sized with these treats immediately they'd all be eaten within a week. (The doctor and his two daughters have incredible sweet-tooths. Teeths? Whatever.) So I opened the bag and divided them immediately into 8 oz. canning jars. That bag filled SEVENTEEN of these jars. 17. I was amazed, and thrilled. I doled out one jar every day or two for them to share, hiding the other 16 in a top secret box in the garage. (I'm not mean, for reals. It's just that they would've gone out to the garage and gotten more jars and eaten them all quickly. I'm so serious.) They lasted for weeks this way and if you do the math, each jar came out to something like 48 cents for 8 oz of gummy bears, which is such a deal.

STYLE: The Best Fatkini

Who in their right mind is going to post pictures of themselves in The Internets in a bathing suit when they are a fat woman, amIrite?! And a bikini, no less. Well, lots of women, including myself. It's pretty much become a movement, really, in fat acceptance and Health At Every Size circles. (And I've written before how I'm proud to part of those circles.) Hell, it's become a movement in any womens' circle, really. And a lot of it started with blogger Brittany Gibbons who, in 2011, did a Ted Talk where she stripped down to her bathing suit on stage and not long after that, posted a photo of herself in a fatkini on her website, and she ain't no thin girl.

 

She inspired us all to do the same. Don't hide under long clothes in the summer. Buy a bathing suit and own it. Get in the water with your kids (which I am doing in all these photos: at Roaring Springs Water Park, drinking beers in a hot springs in the Idaho mountains, tubing in Warm Lake and floating in the river outside of Atlanta, Idaho). Flaunt your fat in the sun. Let sand stick to your cellulite and sweat drip down your cleavage. It's what summer, and life, is all about.

I bought my first fatkini in 2013. It was black and white striped and so darling and fit like a glove, perfectly snug in all the right spots. It was comfortable, and really, barely a two piece, with a high-waisted vintage-type bottom with skirt like scrunching fabric in the front and a halter on the top (a fashion blogger I'm not, obviously). I wore it like mad that year, pushing the bottoms under my growing pregnant belly while I wore it to prenatal water aerobics twice a week for nine months while pregnant with baby Arlo last year. I wore it so much that it eventually wore thin and gave out.

I loved the style and fit so much that I ordered the exact same one again from Walmart.com in a size 2x. It was on sale for less than $30 (a steal!), but only available in red. The suit was recommended by another blogger, Rachel, who ordered the navy anchor print and rocked it on her website (although her image was sadly stolen and used for a diet company's promotion because sometimes people suck).

It's the Catalina Suddenly Slim bikini from Walmart and it appears they are all sold out online now so (I'm kinda freaking out about what I'm going to do when my red beauty gives out, but it's holding up great so far.)

I'm not gonna lie, when I first put on my black and white striped one just over a year ago and wore it to the city pool with my daughters for the first time I was a nervous wreck. I was self-conscious and felt like everyone was staring at me. Turns out, many people (although likely not as many as I first thought) WERE looking at me, because they thought my suit was so cute and I looked great in it. I found this out, as many, many women have complimented me on my suit every time I wear it in public. It really is cute and much more flattering than these images (snapped unplanned by my youngest daughter) show. And it's so comfortable to wear and now I don't really even think about it being a two-piece and whether or not people approve of me wearing it. I feel great in it, it's comfortable, it's darling, and I get to enjoy the water with my family. It's made me brave enough to share unflattering images that my daughter Alice took of us having fun together, just because she loves me. And that's all that really matters.

KIDDOS: Boise Bench Junior Master Gardeners

As School Garden Coordinator for my daughters' little elementary school on the Boise Bench near our home, I have spent the last two years learning about, building, and growing our school's first veggie garden and native plants garden. I wrote (and received!) a $2000 grant from the Whole Kids Foundation and received a training grant from the Boise Urban Garden School (BUGS) as well. Bringing growing and earth-friendly practices to children has become somewhat of a new passion of mine and has been so much fun to implement.

 

Part of this adventure included learning about the Junior Master Gardener certificate program. It's just like the adult version, but a bit more playful and can be taught as a community club or a 4-H program. Also, the leader can be an invested parent like myself, and isn't required to have Master Gardener certification. All I had to do was purchase the teacher's manual and some textbooks for our kiddos and find some interested children around ages 8-12 and we were set. My friend Kelly offered to be my co-leader, which has been a great help having baby Arlo around, and we quickly got 6 kiddos who were interested. (We could've opened it up to so many more who have expressed interest, but we just can't manage that many with the two of us.)

The curriculum is so much fun and we began meeting for an hour and a half every Thursday during the summer at Borah Park in Boise, where we also rented a community garden plot for our little gardeners. We've organized field trips, like the one pictured above to the Boise WaterShed Educational Center for a wastewater treatment plant tour, and even made some "crop art" out of seeds and recycled wood to enter in the Western Idaho State Fair (we won a third place ribbon!).

The kids have had a blast planting flower seeds, weeding, capturing bugs, journaling in the garden, and doing art projects like pressing flowers and leaves and making them into cards, as pictured above. (Really, the little girl above was having fun, I promise.)

We have invited guest speakers, like Jan the Worm Lady, from Capital City Public Market, to come and teach us all about worms, their importance in our gardens, and help the kids build a worm compost system.

Our crew continues learning and finishing up the projects and lessons in our book until February, when they will all graduate with their Junior Master Gardener certification. Next week we are having an apple harvest party here at my house, picking, peeling, coring and baking an apple dessert from our little urban mini orchard. After that, we are creating a scarecrow for the Idaho Botanical Garden's fall festival Scarecrow Stroll. Soon we'll be wedding and cleaning out our garden and will start meeting in our homes after school each week, but you can bet will still be digging around in dirt, brought inside in buckets.

KIDDOS: Best Baby Buys {part 2}

 

I had read stellar reviews of Aden + Anais muslin swaddle blankets on several mommyblogs before Arlo was born, so I splurged and bought myself a 4-pack from Amazon and was that ever a good idea. We LOVE these blankets. You can see we brought the monkey print one to the hospital for Arlo's birth and it became a feature in his hospital birth photos and therefore a keepsake. They are the best for swaddling wee babes tightly with warmth, but are very breathable. Perfect for winter and summer alike, I can't express enough how much we use them. Arlo is still wrapped in one every night and there's always one in the diaper bag. They also make great makeshift nursing covers on the go without leaving me sweating like mad on these 100+ degree days. They cost about $34 for a 4-pack, so an average of $8 a piece.



 

 

{photo courtesy of www.target.com}

 





We started using Aveeno natural oatmeal formula baby wash & shampoo when Lucy was just a few months old and fell in love. It seems less harsh than the Johnson & Johnson products and less drying on soft baby skin. It's also tear-free, and since it's a hair and body wash, it's all we use on our wee ones for years (until the girls' hair was long and ratty enough it needed separate intense conditioning treatments). I usually get it from Diapers.com when I order our Nature Babycare organic diapers and it's really not that much more expensive than other brands, around $5 for an 8oz bottle, and you can find it anywhere, like Target, Walmart or Walgreens. 

 

 



{photo courtesy of www.diapers.com}

Another item we've been using since Alice was born over six years ago are these glass bottles from Evenflo. I freaked out about BPA in plastic bottles and started using these when our babies drank milk and we love them. My kiddos never drink more than 4 ounces at a time, so these little bottles are perfect. Some people are afraid of their babies/toddlers dropping the bottles and them breaking, but we've had them chucked across concrete and tile kitchen floors and never had one break at all. You can find these everywhere (again, Target, Walmart, etc.) and at just around $5 for a package of four, they are so inexpensive and worth it (sans BPA).

Something else we've had for over ten years and has been a life-saver is our Baby Bjorn front pack carrier in navy blue. All our babies have ridden close to our hearts in this device, and have viewed the world from the safety of our chests. Dr. Brown (the hubs) loves that it is unisex and easy to put on for daddies as well. It retailed for about $80 then (my dad bought it for us for a baby gift) and they are still pretty expensive, but you can also find barely used ones on craigslist and used baby stores for like $20. They hold up SO well, also. I know there are a million other kinds of baby carriers now, but this has remained a favorite of ours.

ARTSY: Art Party Boise

When Tahirih Cahill of e11even Shades Studio contacted me in February about coming over and showing what her mobile art studio, Art Party Boise, was all about, I was super pregnant. Like, ready-to-pop-dilated-to-3-centimeters pregnant. So, as excited as I was about learning more about her cool small business idea, I had to wait until May to act on it.

I knew that my super artsy daughters, Lucy and Alice, would love a mother-daughter date night painting, and Tahirih agreed. She sent me several samples of paintings she thought the three of us would like, and be able, to do. Of course I picked the quirky little owl with hipster glasses.

The concept is brilliant: Tahirih or one of her staff artists (that's right, she's had to hire two new gals to help her out given the popularity of her mobile studio of late) comes to your house, or business, or the park, or wherever you choose, brings the supplies, and teaches you how to paint a lovely acrylic piece for your home. There are various sizes and styles to choose from and the idea is that everyone is an artist. She's right.

She got the idea from talking with a fellow mom friend, who wanted to do something fun with her other mama friends, a ladies night out with wine and the like, but all the things that make it hard for mamas to get out - like newborns and the cost of babysitters - were a problem. So, why not bring the mamas night to the mamas in her own comfortable place, making it less expensive and easier? What a great idea! The prices range from about $10-$25 per person, and include all the supplies and you leave with your own masterpiece.

 



It was a bit of a challenge to find something to paint that would fit the range of 'talent' from my six year old Alice to my thirty-eight year old self. Tahirih did a great job - and walked us through our owl process. I put out some snacks from our new Trader Joes - organic strawberry lemonade and a bowl of kettle corn - and daddy took Arlo for a walk. The whole art party lasted about an hour and a half.

 





Here's our completed paintings, all hung in a row above our play kitchen in our family room. The cattywampus arrangement wasn't intentional, but I kinda dig it. Fits the playfulness of the paintings and the play area and, well, our family style. In order from left to right is mine, Alice's and Lucy's.

Alice, my ever self-critical artist, didn't love how her owl turned out at first. She said it looked nothing like Tahirih's and looked like a bat. We thought her puffed out wings made her look like she was about to take off in flight. I think she's perfect. Like Tahirih said, "There are no mistakes in art." I couldn't agree more. And, I think, we're all sold on a girls birthday painting party for next spring.

Find our more about Art Party Boise on her website or Facebook page. Thanks, Tahirih!

KIDDOS: Best Baby Buys {part 1}

 

So, baby Arlo Valley Brown was born a little over six weeks ago on a gorgeous Friday morning, March 21st. He waited until one day after his due date and the spring equinox because he probably wanted to be an Aries like both of his sisters. He was big and beautiful with the darkest hair, weighing 8 pounds and 14 ounces and measuring in at 21.5 inches. We are over the moon.

 

Needless to say, I've been busy staring at our bundle of joy and trying to cope with the changes that happen when you have three kids, not to mention my copious volunteer duties around town. Whew. That means no blogging for a while, especially when you have to type one-handed, as baby boy continuously occupies the other.

 

Daddy's on duty at the moment, and I've wanted to write a little series on best baby buys - sort of my take on a few things I can't recommend more to new moms, especially since this is my third go around. It KINDA makes me an expert. Just sayin'.

 

{Image courtesy of febriedethan.hubpages.com}

 

First up, I was lucky (smart) enough to start prenatal water aerobics at just 17 weeks pregnant and I couldn't have made a better move. I don't know why I didn't do it with my other pregnancies, but it was amazing. Just $30 a month for one hour classes on Monday and Wednesday evenings every single week in the warm water of the local rehab hospital pool? It was wonderful. Not to mention the friendships I formed with other beautiful bellied women. Here in Boise you can sign up through St. Lukes Hospital here. If you're expecting, trust me on this.

 

{Image courtesy of www.theawesomer.com}

 

My dear friend Kristin had the brilliant (BRILLIANT, I SAY) idea to sign me up for MealTrain, this fantastic and free website where your friends and family can sign up to bring you meals on dates you pre-select. This is perfect for people having babies or in the case of sickness or death or any major life-changing event. We just finished up getting SIX WEEKS worth of food from friends, from homemade feasts to Jimmy Johns delivery to gourmet boxes of ingredients from Blue Apron. The girls loved the surprise dinner menus and I couldn't be more thankful and amazed by the graciousness of others. As my friend Melanie said, "MealTrain is like having a church lady committee without having to go to church." AMEN, sister.

 

{Image courtesy of The Laurie Berkner Band blog}

 

Ten years ago when Lucy was born my dear friend Betsy introduced me to Laurie Berkner, who she saw on a cable television show on Nick Jr. She had a CD and it was catchy and cute and not annoying to listen to on repeat. Laurie and her band play and write the kind of music parents love as well, and we quickly became fans. We now own all of her CDs and they get resurrected with each new baby in our family. She has her own little indie label and you can buy her CDs for cheap from there, if you're old school like me, or download them. I can't recommend getting one (or all of them) enough. Take a listen to the song that stole my heart.

 

A broken heart is not the end of anything. It’s the beginning of everything.

I've written before about my respect for the brilliance that is Glennon Melton behind the blog Momastery and her book Carry On, Warrior. Today's post by Glennon on Facebook captured everything I've been feeling this week and made me cry huge fat hormonal pregnancy tears.
She writes,

"We try to protect ourselves by not allowing our hearts to be broken. But a broken heart is not the end of anything. It’s the beginning of everything."

(Oh sister, ain't it the truth.)

Along with this video:

)


Here's the full link to the post Broken is the Beginning (this accompanying poem is heart-wrenching).

One year ago this week my heart was shattered in ways I never knew possible. It took me a whole year to get here, but here I am, living proof that it was the beginning of everything.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant.

With my first son.

With a lost mucus plug, bloody show, hours of painful contractions, many centimeters dilated, a car seat installed and two big sisters excitedly awaiting his arrival, any day now.

It's the beginning of everything.

Follow me

So, I'm finally joining the century, oh, say 10 years late, and have started a Facebook page for this here blog which, coincidentally, links up with my Twitter account. You should really follow me on both, as I post more than links to the stories I write here. I write all sorts of commentary (snarky and sincere) on life, love, motherhood, being an Idahoan, puking, giving birth, peanut butter M&Ms and more. It's really fun. Although I'm so old-school at heart, I also blame part of my slacking in the social media trend on growing humans for the better part of the last ten years.

 

 



 

And baking lots of sweet treats as a result. Just keepin' it real. And delicious.

 





ARTSY: A love poem

love is:

the smell of his sweat, knowing... glances, a rash from his beard, staying in bed all day, hungover breakfasts, running away, crying through vows, sharing one car, proofreading thesis, U-hauls, Wall Drug, Graceland, swelling bellies, death, heartbreak, blood, vomit, growth, care, learning
 
and:
 
her big brown eyes, April, thunderstorms, cradling in hospital beds, Minneapolis, ticks, fear, introversion, owls, airplanes, anxiety, books, sweetness, curls, math, so much kindness
 
and:
 
her tiny features, daycare, dance parties, big sisters, camping, chaos, fast, funny, speech therapy, fearless, blond, puzzles, Idaho, cuddling
 
and:
 
two pink lines, nausea, exhaustion, sadness, worry, ultrasounds, heartbeats, rolling, lolling, quickening, stretching skin, exploding hearts, belly kisses, tiny blue onesies, joy



*A valentine to my family. I wrote this a few weeks ago for a contest called Speak To Us Of Love, hosted by jenny wren designs and Rose & Odin, two makers of art extraordinaire. I won some fabulous prizes, but the best part? I cry every single time I read this.

CULTURE: Martin Luther King Jr. Celebration at Boise State University

This year my kindergartener, Alice, spent a lot of classroom time learning about who Martin Luther King Jr. was and why he was important. As part of that lesson her teacher told them they'd be going on a silent peace march through the school, but I knew I wanted to continue that education outside of our little elementary school.

 

In early January I'd picked up some kids books on MLK Jr. for the girls, as MLK has affected our lives more than we even know. But mainly the lives of African-Americans, giving them their voices and, subsequently, some power back.

I have been a follower of Dr. King since my youth. Two moments, however, stand out in my memory as really feeling his teachings and life lessons: spending a half a year as a white student in a downtown Charleston, South Carolina university and visiting the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis on my honeymoon. I walked into the room at the Lorraine Hotel where Dr. King lost his life and I couldn't breathe. I stepped out onto the balcony to escape the sadness and, embarrassed by my reaction as a young white gal from Idaho, I ran to the street below. The tears that flowed so long and so powerfully remain etched in my skin.

 

 

I will never truly know, or 'get,' it. Neither will my girls. What we do get, though, is the importance of standing up, speaking your mind, taking a chance, fighting for your voice, being respectful, remembering history, and seeking hope for the future. If I can leave any legacy for my children, it's this:

 



 

(Thanks to Holli Woodings, State Representative, Idaho Legislature, District 19 at State of Idaho for this photo.)

 

*Much thanks to the Boise State University MLK Jr. Living Legacy Committee for organizing this march, providing poster making materials, homemade buttons, tee shirts, and leading the walk from the campus to the Idaho State Capitol building. They host this community event every year on MLK Jr. Day in January. Join us next year.

BOOK REPORT: Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed

 

This is one of those books that are kind of life-changing, or, in my case, life-affirming. I've been a huge fan of Glennon Melton's for several years now. She started as a blogger, and her blog, Momastery, has thousands of readers. Glennon is a young mom of three and a recovering from everything addict and a Christian of the best kind. She's flawed and honest, gentle and kind, brilliant and hilarious. Here's the blurb from Amazon:

 

For years Glennon Doyle Melton built a wall between herself and others, hiding inside a bunker of secrets and shame. But one day everything changed: Glennon woke up to life, committing herself to living out loud and giving language to our universal (yet often secret) experiences. She became a sensation when her personal essays started going viral. Her hilarious and poignant observations have been read by millions, shared among friends, discussed at water coolers, and have now inspired a social movement. In Carry On, Warrior, Melton shares new stories and the best-loved material from Momastery.com. Her mistakes and triumphs demonstrate that love wins and that together we can do hard things. Melton is a courageous truth-teller and hopespreader, a wise and witty friend who emboldens us to believe in ourselves and reminds us that the journey is the reward. Carry On, Warrior proves that by shedding our weapons and armor, we can stop hiding, competing, and striving for the mirage of perfection, to build better lives in our hearts, homes, and communities.

 

Her husband has been unfaithful, and they're still together, working through it, which she writes about with such heart and love it is truly amazing. I know it may sound sappy, but I can't recommend this book enough to women, especially. (Somehow I don't imagine it being that appealing to men, but I could be wrong.) It's a compilation of stories, many of which have been published as blog posts and on such prominent sites as Huffington Post. My favorite 'chapter' in the book may be the letter to her son, Chase. It's such a fast read, but has a waiting list at the Boise Public Library, so request it now!

2013, you were really, really hard.

My life is mostly filled with beauty and wonder and learning and, for the past five years, I've approached the new year with joy and excitement. Being a working at home mom has really suited me, and I continue to grow and am constantly fulfilled by the new life and work adventures I seek out. 2013 started off much like that.

I received notification that I was selected as one of the top 50 Idaho business women of the year, a prestigious award sponsored by the Idaho Business Review. It was a bit of a shock - I was nominated by a local female and had several stellar letters of recommendation, commenting on my work as a writer and historic preservationist. Most of my accomplishments listed were non-profit, volunteer, "mom-ish"and artsy - much different than my fellow awardees, who were more traditional professional business women. Even though I felt a bit out of place, I was proud to represent the non-traditional working woman - someone who works from home, counts being a mom as a really big, important job. I liked the idea that I was breaking the mold, somehow. The award ceremony was a really fun and fancy and held at the Riverside Hotel in Boise in February.

Apparently, also early in February (or maybe even late January, we'll never know) I accidentally got pregnant with my third baby. Thus began the explosion of my heart in 2013.

In early March I started to feel a bit funny, in that familiar, wonderful way. Overly weepy and sentimental, exhausted for no reason, and a severe aversion to fast food surprised me and sent me to the Rite-Aid for some pregnancy tests. With two daughters who were soon to be turning five and nine, we were "done." There were not supposed to be any more children, right? (Also: 37 YEARS OLD = advanced maternal age = complications.) I was oddly calm and ecstatic. It was SO meant to be. Two pink lines popped up, and I took about four tests to make certain. It was certain. I was certain.

In mid-March I was selected to participate in the first of a unique event called FEAST here in Boise put on by The Charm School. Here's how it works: the public is invited to attend the FEAST event, and pays $20 for a chef-made dinner and a ballot. During the meal, diners are presented with 10 artist projects vote for the project they would like to see funded. The presenters have 5 minutes and a Powerpoint presentation to sell their idea. At the end of dinner, the artist whose proposal receives the most votes wins much of the funds collected at the door—ideally $1000, depending on turnout. Creative genres of all kinds are accepted. I proposed a public picnic/celebration in the park on May 6, 2013 for International No-Diet Day, promoting Health At Every Size and body acceptance, something I feel very strongly about sharing with our local community, and our children. There were writers and actors, visual artists and singers, all proposing their unique projects be funded. The event was quirky and fun and ultimately, I didn't win, but felt positive about spreading a crucial message.

The next day I began the long, terrible, painful process of miscarrying my baby, somewhere around the 8th week of my pregnancy.

The next day I also found out that a diner at FEAST the night before had been writing horrid things about me and my body on Twitter, bashing not only me as a person, but the idea and movements I was promoting. Thus began the explosion of my mind in 2013.

The bigotry against me and my plus-sized quest for equality, kindness and respect continued onto Facebook later in the spring. This time, it came from women I considered friends and men I hardly knew. Thus continued the explosion of my heart and mind in 2013, as I continued bleeding for nine long weeks and spilling more tears than I ever thought possible.

I took a long summer break from Facebook and did some cathartic and needed "unfriending."

Eric and I decided that there indeed was a place in our family for another much wanted and already loved child, and conceived again sometime in June.

It was also in June that my beloved job as a monthly staff writer for Treasure Valley Family Magazine, an esteemed local publication that had been around for the past twenty years, ended. My publisher/editor/owner decided to retire and retire the mag along with her. I had to suddenly scratch the word "writer" off my occupation list, and it felt sad and wrong.

In July I discovered I was indeed pregnant, and was terrified and feeling so lucky.

In August the morning sickness turned into all day nausea and Eric turned forty and I was still SO LUCKY. And I was anxious for my first ultrasound to give me some peace of mind and to confirm that I was indeed carrying twins, which I already knew in my heart and soul. I could feel the blessings of two babies, even while I couldn't even get out of bed each day because GAWD, THE SICKNESS.

In September, on Labor Day weekend, I hemorrhaged a lot of blood and tissue and rushed to an early ultrasound. At eleven weeks, I had a very healthy baby, and I lost (presumably) a not-so-healthy one. It was a case of the rare not-so-vanishing-twin-syndrome. I should've still felt lucky and happy, but I felt so broken and grieved so hard. Losing two babies in 2013 was never part of my life plan, yet here I was, doing it. Surviving it.

The rest of the fall found me continuously vomiting and terribly ill, losing thirty pounds, diagnosed with placenta previa (but, it moved and cleared itself from high risk at the end of the year!), and living each day with fear and sadness. It was a most frightening first and second trimester, but baby boy (after two girls! WHA?!) was thriving.

And you know what? So was I.

I have been so, so grateful and happy and thriving, even. The year was filled with more wonder and joy that I didn't write about above, really, but these difficult major life events over-shadowed it all, if I am honest.

But, this has been our family motto for many years now.

I seriously thought about getting this tattooed on my hand in 2013, that's how hard a year this past one has been for me. But? I conquered/survived many hard things, and in most cases, I was surprised when my life changed for the better. Here's to power and hope in a new year.

(And a beautiful new baby boy to enter our life in March 2014!)

BOOK REPORT: The Obituary Writer

 

I read a review of this book a few weeks ago in some trashy women's mag (like Oprah or Ladies Home Journal or the like) at my hair salon while sitting under the heated dryer. Immediately, I checked to see if my beloved Boise Public Library had it on their shelves yet, and they did, in New Fiction! I checked into the book on Amazon.com as well, and was thrilled to see it have four stars. Here's the blurb from Amazon, which was basically what I read in the mag that had me so quickly hooked:

 

On the day John F. Kennedy is inaugurated, Claire, an uncompromising young wife and mother obsessed with the glamour of Jackie O, struggles over the decision of whether to stay in a loveless marriage or follow the man she loves and whose baby she may be carrying. Decades earlier, in 1919, Vivien Lowe, an obituary writer, is searching for her lover who disappeared in the Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1906. By telling the stories of the dead, Vivien not only helps others cope with their grief but also begins to understand the devastation of her own terrible loss. The surprising connection between Claire and Vivien will change the life of one of them in unexpected and extraordinary ways. Part literary mystery and part love story, The Obituary Writer examines expectations of marriage and love, the roles of wives and mothers, and the emotions of grief, regret, and hope.

 

At just under 300 pages, I finished this book in about four days. It is the kind of fiction I love, suspenseful and dramatic, beautiful and sad. I had never read anything by Ann Hood before, but now want to devour it all (I get that way with intriguing writers). However, it appears as the author has suffered from some traumatic deaths in her life, both of her brother and a young daughter, both which inform her fiction a great deal. Often children die in her stories, which, being six months pregnant and overly emotional, might not be the best reads for me at this stage in my life. Soon, though, you'll see me with another Ann Hood book in my hand. So, so good and worth it. Highly recommended.

The Not-So-Vanishing Twin Syndrome (And Broken Hearts)

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month (and today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day) and last October, I had no idea this existed. This October, my life has been changed in ways I never thought possible.

I have lost two babies in 2013 - one, a surprise pregnancy in March, which I miscarried somewhere in the first trimester, and, two, a twin to the baby boy I'm currently carrying, just six weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had not even told family members we were expecting baby #3 back in March, so my miscarriage was mainly suffered alone, at home, with my husband (and the exception of a few close friends). I wish I would've shared that pain. Before today, I've told a handful of people that I just lost a twin to my baby.

Now, suffering a loss again and so soon, I'm devastated and lost, grateful and happy. After doing some soul searching via the internets invaluable motherhood boards, I came across Brandi Wolfe's story from Preggie Pals today, and I couldn't have written it any more eloquently. Nor could I have found a story that is almost identical to my own unless I wrote it myself (which is why I stole her title). Like Brandi, I think these stories of loss are very real, and not sharing them is doing a detriment to future mothers of the world, who deserve some peace when they (we) are crying and bleeding at 2am, eating Golden Grahams and trying not to vomit, seeking solace for our souls and our wombs.

To celebrate this month, and to help heal my heart, I'm writing this post and sharing my story. I'm also one of the artists creating a small niche for Boise's Dia de los Muertos celebration at Boise 150's Sesqui-Shop in honor of my two babies that I can never hold, except in my heart. I'm ready to speak out. I need to know I'm not alone. You are not alone.

CULTURE: Our Oregon Trip

Our trip to the Oregon coast trip was so fun! Our first stop was Hood River a little ways before we were in town we saw Mt. Hood . The hotel we stayed in was right by train tracks after we brought our suitcases in we went swimming in the Columbia River. The next morning we were off to go to Enchanted Forest first you have to go through a castle then on a path. On that path you can go in a little rabbit hole. There are also dwarf mines, indian caves, and much much more. Me and my sister Alice went on a roller coaster that is connected to a mountain and it went so fast. Me, my sister, and my dad went on a log ride and we got soaked. After that we went to Corvallis it was so fun. Then we stayed for a couple of days. Then we went to our yurt on the coast. The beach was cold but we saw tide pools we made sand castles we also watched the sunset. Our last stop was at a campsite its name is KOA.This trip was so fun!!!

 

 

BOOK REPORT: Fun on the Run

     

As part of my reading this summer, I picked up a couple of books on parenting based on some reviews online and this was one of them. We spent the majority of our summer on roadtrips and camping and this tiny guide seemed perfect (really, it could fit in your pocket or purse). Fun on the run! 324 Instant Family Activities is divided into easy to read sections like outdoor games, dr. office games, restaurant games, and baby games. While I didn't really feel the sections were necessary, there were some fun ideas throughout the book. Mostly, though, the games really work best with older kids, with many complicated spelling and repeating games that were pretty advanced for my five- and nine-year-old. I didn't learn a lot of new 'tricks' from this book, but it was a good reminder of old classics, like I Spy, writing with your fingers on the other's back and trying to guess what it says, staring contests, juggling three items, and drawing faces on your hands to make a 'finger puppet.'

BOOK REPORT: No Regrets Parenting

A few months ago, when I was featured on 3 Things for Mom, I came across some great fathers to follow during her Fathers Day week. There are so many great dad blogs out there, and, of the guys Lauren featured that week, Harley Rotbart was one of my favorites.

So much so, that I immediately searched for his book, No Regrets Parenting: Turning Long Days and Short Years Into Cherished Moments With Your Kids, at the Boise Public Library. What a great, quick read and resource for mamas like me, who are looking at the big picture of life with kids. Dr. Rotbart is an experienced pediatrician and, more importantly, a father of three grown kids of his own. His insights into raising kids right with no regrets are spot on. After reading the book, I was thrilled to see that Eric and I already practice so many of ideas he suggests: that money isn't necessary to 'buy' cherished and memorable trips and adventures with your kids, checking the family calendar each Sunday together for the coming week, and little traditions, like our weekly Taco Night. He had some fantastic additions that I can't wait to implements, like evening Pajama Walks, teaching the girls to drive, and quick cell phone calls on walks between college classes in the future. His ideas are so simple and wonderful, that I think this might be one of the greatest parenting books I've ever read. It's so worth it, friends. Pick it up today.

CULTURE: Silver City

My whole family and I went on a day trip to Silver City.  It is an abandoned ghost town, but not any more its not.  In the summer their family stays there in a building their relatives owned.   It took 3 hours on the drive, on the drive you drive on the freeway and turn on to a dirt road.
 

There is a cute little store that sells diamonds, crystals,and real live gold. Also they sell  rock candy that tastes so good .  We also played in a creek and we found crystals in the creek.

They also have some awesome pie and sarsparilla I never had sarsparilla but I guess I don't like sarsparilla we got these at a cute little restaurant.                                                                                                                           

CULTURE: Fat and Happy

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that I'm fat, happy and proud. My activism, in the Fat Acceptance and Health At Every Size movements has gained momentum over the past two years, and I'm thrilled to post some links to a couple of my most favorite accomplishments of late.

A little over a year ago I was selected to give a 5 minute presentation on fat acceptance for Ignite Boise 11. If you're not familiar with the Ignite format, click here. Getting up in front of a packed house (nearly 800 folks!) at the Egyptian Theater in Boise and telling them how much I weigh was terrifying and exhilarating.
For some reason, I can't get the YouTube video to embed in this here blog, but you can watch it here.

This summer, I was thrilled to be one of the moms/writers on 3 Things For Mom, offering up my truth, tip and a find by blog found, Lauren. It was such an honor, and an important way to spread the body love message. Click here to see my post.

Being an activist is hard work, and I've had my fair share of bad days and nasty comments from 'friends' on Facebook about body positive concepts. It can be exhausting and sad, but is mostly important and wonderful. Being happy with who you are and helping others on the self-acceptance journey is pretty crucial and special work.  And I'm honored to do it.